What sort of man am I? What sort of life have I lived. These are big questions. How could I answer them briefly? Impossible. I’ll begin anyway. when others speak of me, no doubt they will say I’ve been a good person, a good father, a good husband. They won’t have known of the secrets I’ve harbored. Let’s qualify. Does having secrets make you less than how others have perceived you? If they’ve thought you good and you’ve had secret lusts or violences, but have otherwise been what they thought will it even out at the end? Are you graded by percent? If your sins were only 10% of your overall performance then will you get a passing grade? Or is it more important every girl you thought of kissing and every snail you crushed absent-mindedly?
Don’t worry, I won’t judge you in an absolute way. But they’re important questions and the standard rhetoric doesn’t deal with it, you know. When you read about the old gods, Hera becoming jealous at Zeus’ intimate dealings on Anatol you get at least a discussion of human emotions. What they give you now is so abstract it’s practically meaningless. How do you deal with a heart that loves two at once? Truly loves two? They don’t explain it to you in school you know! These are the sorts of things that we could use stories about. Not that sultry soap-opera type drivel, but a real honest discussion of it. We can’t move forward as a society otherwise. How do you live in a world that’s designed to keep you from succeeding and not go mad? It’s easy to collapse, it’s easy to fall apart when success is predicated on connections you can never make. We’re of low breeding, I’m sorry to say, so it was our births that set us up for failure. But we’ve still got to survive, and I would dare to say be happy in some regard. I couldn’t stand to live miserably.
Well what are your answers then? You’ve obviously spent some time thinking about this, or maybe even you know from some experience you’re not willing to speak about. What is it? Save me some misery!
I haven’t anything for you. I can only tell you what I’ve thought and what I’ve done. Someday this will all be sorted out, and our descendants will know just what to do, even when it hurts. For now you’ll still have to stumble. Just remember that you’re not the first to walk unsteadily down these paths and become lost in the brambles. You’re not the first and you won’t be the last. I’m still in them too. A little further on. I’ll shout back to you through the hedge-rows and tell you what I’ve seen.
Your eyes are bluer than the bluest sky they are deeper than any ocean, every time I see them I become adrift lost on the endless oceans of your magnificent eyes.
Your beauty encompasses everything in my life its the first thing I think of when I wake in the morning and the last thing I think of when I rest my head on my pillow.
You are more beautiful than the prettiest rose and unlike a flower your beauty will always last through the days and will never wilt because to me you are perfect, from every strand of hair to every beautiful smile that lights a fire in my heart every time I see one.
The way your hips sway more gently than a breeze touching the branches of a tree your are the most beautiful woman and you are my everything. I may not always show it but you are my sweet beautiful Jessica and nothing will ever change that.
We seek a thing that we can hold,feel and breath in. Never knowing that when we find it and lose it,we can never find it again. Not like we knew it before. The things may seem akin to what we sought but it never really is, it changes with each new blink of eyes,with every beat of different hearts. The music of the soul sounds new and and the feel of the rhythm to each beat is different to the ears that hear. We all love. We all love many times, but never,ever is it the same way twice.
The whir of gears could be heard as you passed it by. It would make you stop and look and wonder what it held. You could see the slots for money and knew it contained something you could buy,but could not see what it was. So with trepidation you slide bills and change into its mouth and push the only button on it’s front. Breath held while waiting for what ever it was to fall out,and suddenly it does. Wide eyed and startled you reach out and carefully grasp it,pulling it free and holding it close. Then you hear it, a tiny sound, a beat, and a sigh. A heart on a chain to match the one in your chest,only it beats off time to yours,and you know in that moment your search has just begun. It beats and pulls and takes you to it’s mate. Where you end,time will only tell, but follow you must.
This is what my heart is like. Left in the shadows of a cold morning,with frost touching the shapes and following along lines,the sun has grazed the edges,melting it into tears,I yearn to burn full in the sun,but find that the shadows keep creeping ever near.
if you think
I want to know.
if you dream about the feel
of my skin, I want to know.
if I have been on your mind
more than I should, I want to know.
if you need me, want me…
I want to know.
I feel like a switch turned off in a room that nobody enters anymore. A dark room, preserving memories hidden under sheets that collect the dust that would otherwise settle and solidify the emptiness I feel. I am alone, curtains drawn with the sunlight’s golden fingers clawing at the dreary drapes that shield this room from the world outside. Sometimes a bony finger will touch a photo on the wall. But mostly, I am in the shadows. All alone, in the cold, in the shadows.
It’s not been a good day, although it should have been a wonderful day. these are the moments in my life that make me wonder why the hell I am going forward,why am I trying so hard to become something. When really all I want is to not feel so fucked up all the time. not feel alone, not feel…
There’s a storm
rolling across my
shadows that are
dancing across the sky,
as raindrops pour
over my eyelashes
and tears fall from
the clouds, so much
needed to clear the
dust from the recesses
of my mind, just so
I can breath again
with my soul.
The man sat down on the park bench his back aching from the long walk from his house to the park. He looked down at his hands wrinkled as they where he sighed slowly, as he remembered his life, and all the choices he had made that had brought him to this spot. He looked around at the trees as the wind gently moved there branches, and the people walking by him all the youth that was around him, he smiled for a second he noticed a couple sitting on a blanket in the park kissing his eyes watered up a tear slowly broke away sliding down his face.
He sighed again as he wiped his eyes he missed her deeply, his heart still ached from her passing after all these years it was a void that would never, nor could it be filled. The last time he saw her they had fought he didn’t even remember what the fight was about. He hoped it was something important, but he knew that it was probably something trivial that mattered nothing. She had left angry which he blamed himself had they not been fighting she might not have hit that car, he would never forgive himself.
A little boy not more than ten came up to the man and sat down beside him on the bench he was wearing a backpack batman and had green shorts and a white shirt on. The old man wiped more tears out of his eyes.
“You ok mister?” the boy asked as he looked up toward the old man’s face. This made him smile he reached in his pocket and took out a handkerchief and slowly wiped the sweat from his forehead. The little boy reached over and gave the man a hug which caught him completely off guard and he slowly started tearing up again.
“It will be okay” the boy spoke again “everything will be okay”
Written by: Michael Taylor
and in that the texture of the towel as I watched it about her hips while she walks from room to room the little strings certainly UN-knotting at the touch of her hips gently rubbing against them her skin peeking through ever so gently, each stretching strands to meet with the warm droplets on her underarms as she gracefully clings to the towel holding it up against her smooth body.
I barely notice as she leaves laying on the bed, in the background the ticking clock and the rattling of keys against the door closing shut. I sit upward in the bed my neck aches from how I had laid, conscious or imagined I am left wondering if she was even real.
I had only just arrived yet I had a strange feeling before I even entered the Inn it was called the Victoria and was very run down, downright creepy if you ask me but I was told it was the only one in town and I needed a place to stay desperately. I opened the door and was immediately greeted by an older couple they were quite deformed looking as the man was missing an eye and the woman had scars all over her face and her nose was slightly crooked to the right side of her face. They seemed nice enough and I asked for a room which they seemed more than happy to help with and they only charged me 20 dollars which was beyond cheap I gladly paid and the old man grabbed a key from behind him and limped around the desk slowly, “follow me” he said. As I walked up the stairs behind the old man I got a horrible feeling deep in the pit of my stomach as we approached the door at the top of the stairs my heart started beating heavily in my chest as the old man placed the key into the lock I could hear it turning click, click, as it turned against the lock. The old man snickered slightly as he turned towards me placing the key in my hand. “Enjoy your night” he said as he headed back down below as I placed my hand onto the door and gently pushed it open.
I stood on an old dirt road the wind was gently flowing through the air just enough to make it nice outside. I walked the road most of my life always passing by the same old things my neighbors outside in the yard yelling at one another over something stupid I always wondered why they where together everyday as I passed by there house. The old man that lived further down the road with the big dog that always scared me everyday as I passed by or the way he would just sit on his porch staring at me as I walked by slowly rocking in his chair he was a creepy man, but than I suppose every neighborhood has that one creepy person on it that always concerns the other people living on the street more so those with children as my mom always tells me to stay away from the old man. No one seems to trust him but than again no one really seems to have ever actually spoke to him before as far as I know, but hey I am only a kid what do I know. Than there is the last house on the road a big red house its a beautiful place and very fancy much fancier than our trailer me and mom live in but she does the best she can and I love her. This house has two big lion statues in front of the steps leading up to a massive wooden door. But most important is I walk down this road everyday pass by all the creepy and crazy to get to this house, for Julie lives there and I love her I may only be 12 years old and everyone may say to me Ahh that’s cute or you don’t know what love is your to young. All I know for sure is one day I will marry this girl and prove them all wrong.
I stood at the front door waiting silently, and nervously as i reached over, gently tapping on the door, not knowing if they would even answer. I waited for a few moments did they even care I was here? I did not know but I waited anyway. I looked down at my feet as the world blurred around me, my hands where shaking violently I could not control them no matter how hard I tried. A loud crash from behind me made me jump and knocked me back into reality I turned to see the neighbors across the road putting a lid on a trash can as they waved towards me, but I did not reply, for I heard the door creak open slowly as someone put there hand on my shoulder my heart beating so fast it was all I could hear as I turned to face her…..
Hold me close and don’t let go.
But first, wait, there’s something you should know.
I’ve had my share of old flames,
And they all turned out the same.
I’ve always fallen way too hard,
And left standing with the loosing card.
Never have I walked away unhurt.
So Baby, please, won’t you be my first?
Be the first to do me right.
Kiss away my tears and hold me tight.
Don’t leave me crying like the rest.
Be my first and be the best.
Leave me always wanting more,
Not wondering what I hang around for.
Love me as much as I will you.
Don’t just use me as the others do.
Just hold me now and forever more.
Show me the love I’ve been waiting for.
Written by the most amazing woman in the world (always in my heart thinking of you)